How to Manipulate God (what I learned and practiced throughout childhood)

     Let's say you have an exciting day coming up, a date, going to a theme park or seeing that movie you've wanted to see like forever; but you are worried Jesus will return and steal that joyous moment from you. Well worry no more! The Bible says that no one knows the day or time of Jesus' second coming. Not even Jesus Himself. Therefore all you have to do is consciously think or say, "Jesus is coming back on this day or at this time," and God is contractually obligated to withhold sending Him. And if you play your cards right, you can hold Him off long enough for you to get married and have sex.
     Does this really work? Well, I'll let my 100% success rate do the talking.