Thursday, December 16, 2010
If at first you don't succeed, stop trying
True character is a response to God's unconditional love, acceptance and goodness; not an attempt to earn it.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
The Coveted Cold
I'm sitting at my kitchen table just having eaten Lucky Charms out of a coffee mug, now drinking my Organic Sunrise Blend coffee, made with a french press and with a little Italian Sweet Creme. It's overcast and raining outside. I just read a chapter from David Crowder's Praise Habit and had to get up to put my new jacket on because all the windows are open and my long-sleeve is not sufficing. Mike used to say in first year that when winter comes around, we will leave all the windows open and just get bundled up in beanies, blankets and sweatshirts. The cold is a coveted substance in Phoenix but here in Redding, that does not last long. Sun become coveted during 18 days of rain in winter.
I'm wearing flip flops because yesterday's mid 90's made my feet sweat. Now my feet are cold. I can smell the rain outside which has stopped falling from the clouds and is now dripping heavily off the trees. Though it won't be long before the clouds say, "My turn!" again.
I look up, out the window, past the four staggered trees, to where the roof of the two bedroom apartments meet the gray sky and I hear God say, "See, I have engraved you on the palms of My hands." I found it in Isaiah yesterday and something inside me jumped. Simply translated it's, "I just love you so much!" At least that's how I take it.
Jenna used to tell me before we got engaged that a diamond ring is temporary but a tattoo that says, "JENNA" is forever. "And preferably on your butt." Probably because she knew that not only would the ink be of more permanence but she would always be reminded of the sacrifice of pain that I endured for her and that she was worth it.
I've been engraved on the palms of His hands. A reminder born out of great sacrifice. "See," He says, "You can't erase these. They are forever. I am wholly and eternally devoted to you."
"Look," He says. He is not ashamed of them. He does not hide them. He shows them off.
"See? You were so worth it."
I'm wearing flip flops because yesterday's mid 90's made my feet sweat. Now my feet are cold. I can smell the rain outside which has stopped falling from the clouds and is now dripping heavily off the trees. Though it won't be long before the clouds say, "My turn!" again.
I look up, out the window, past the four staggered trees, to where the roof of the two bedroom apartments meet the gray sky and I hear God say, "See, I have engraved you on the palms of My hands." I found it in Isaiah yesterday and something inside me jumped. Simply translated it's, "I just love you so much!" At least that's how I take it.
Jenna used to tell me before we got engaged that a diamond ring is temporary but a tattoo that says, "JENNA" is forever. "And preferably on your butt." Probably because she knew that not only would the ink be of more permanence but she would always be reminded of the sacrifice of pain that I endured for her and that she was worth it.
I've been engraved on the palms of His hands. A reminder born out of great sacrifice. "See," He says, "You can't erase these. They are forever. I am wholly and eternally devoted to you."
"Look," He says. He is not ashamed of them. He does not hide them. He shows them off.
"See? You were so worth it."
Friday, September 3, 2010
Rose-Colored Glasses and Colored TV
I work four days a week and rack in about 50 hours a week. It's a pretty good deal. This past week though, I put in about 90 hours because I picked up a couple shifts for other people. My wife picked up some shifts for her coworkers as well. So we could only see each other an hour or two here and there. I really missed her. It sucks not being able to see her as much as I want. Being connected is just so amazing, it's really noticeable when you get disconnected. (Disconnected in the "I haven't seen you in a while"; not the "I've seen you way too much recently") I watched a short video of this old couple being interviewed about their relationship and the husband said, "Marriage is like color television," dating himself, "once you have it, you never want to go back to black and white."
When Jenna and I first got married, I had a lot of single people ask me, "What's it like being married?" Now, I'm a rose-colored glasses kind of guy. Our marriage counselors confirmed it. I rebutted, "Oh don't worry. I'm fully aware of reality." And internally, "I'm fully aware of how awesome reality is!" These glasses don't lie about how amazing and beautiful a rose is. They just distort or hide the fact that there are thorns to every rose.
I had a friend offer to give me a hair cut once. I accepted knowing that it would work out fine and would turn out awesome regardless of the fact that she said, "Nevermind. I'm too afraid I'll screw it up. I only took one year of beauty school. I've never cut guy's hair before. Aaron, please don't make me do this." Well in my optimistic insistence and her growing anxiety she accidentally buzzed a chunk of hair that has never been short enough to expose my scalp before. She was pretty upset and I was astounded that I wasn't looking at Brad Pitt in the mirror. On the flip side, I went to a professional shortly after and got one of the best haircuts I've ever had. (Dear single-year beautician friend, I still believe in you!)
So needless to say i pricked my finger a few times when Jenna and I got married.
"What? You don't want to decorate our bedroom the same way I've always decorated my bedroom?"
"Why don't we have extra money like when we were single? You need nail polish? Eleven bucks!?"
"Why can't we have mashed potatoes with our pasta? What do you mean that's too many starches for one meal?"
There are also times when you have to not say what you are thinking in order to protect your connection. There are times when you feel like withholding your love in order to get them to change their mind about something you disagree on. You can't do it. Not unless you would like to substitute your color tv for black and white.
I considered myself to be pretty good at being selfless and communicating bravely. Well, turns out it's still hard to do both. No matter how good you are at it. So I would tell people who asked me about marriage, "It's not as easy as I thought it would be," trying not to give them my glasses and the consequent bloody fingers while foregoing the overwhelming beauty of the petals and scent.
I've dropped that answer since then because I realized I was giving people the impression that Jenna and I were having a "hard time", which is the opposite of how I would describe our first year and a half.
And it's funny how our relationship works. Jenna thrives on foreign-traveling, adapting-to-a-new-surrounding adventure and spontaneity while I thrive on establishing roots and stability. At times, this poses a conflict. Like when Jenna wants to move to Honduras and I want to have a baby. And at the same time its the extreme value we both place on relationship and the way we approach life that makes Honduras and babies manageable. Its in the way her adventurous heart helps me see the world as a masterpiece to be experienced and my responsibility helps her see the freedom in a budget.
On the days when Jenna's desires conflict with mine, I have had thoughts about what it would have been like had I married someone more like me. But honestly, in that vein I've pictured myself being the "Jenna" in the relationship. Trying to bring the person that is "more like me" out of their box, and not because that box is bad but because there is just more to life than whats in that box. And it's in those moments with those thoughts that made me realize how much life Jenna brings me, even in (or especially in) our differences and how absolutely irreplaceable she is.
Marriage is difficult. Being married to Jenna though, is easy and amazing. It's the best thing since colored television. And I would never go back.
When Jenna and I first got married, I had a lot of single people ask me, "What's it like being married?" Now, I'm a rose-colored glasses kind of guy. Our marriage counselors confirmed it. I rebutted, "Oh don't worry. I'm fully aware of reality." And internally, "I'm fully aware of how awesome reality is!" These glasses don't lie about how amazing and beautiful a rose is. They just distort or hide the fact that there are thorns to every rose.
I had a friend offer to give me a hair cut once. I accepted knowing that it would work out fine and would turn out awesome regardless of the fact that she said, "Nevermind. I'm too afraid I'll screw it up. I only took one year of beauty school. I've never cut guy's hair before. Aaron, please don't make me do this." Well in my optimistic insistence and her growing anxiety she accidentally buzzed a chunk of hair that has never been short enough to expose my scalp before. She was pretty upset and I was astounded that I wasn't looking at Brad Pitt in the mirror. On the flip side, I went to a professional shortly after and got one of the best haircuts I've ever had. (Dear single-year beautician friend, I still believe in you!)
So needless to say i pricked my finger a few times when Jenna and I got married.
"What? You don't want to decorate our bedroom the same way I've always decorated my bedroom?"
"Why don't we have extra money like when we were single? You need nail polish? Eleven bucks!?"
"Why can't we have mashed potatoes with our pasta? What do you mean that's too many starches for one meal?"
There are also times when you have to not say what you are thinking in order to protect your connection. There are times when you feel like withholding your love in order to get them to change their mind about something you disagree on. You can't do it. Not unless you would like to substitute your color tv for black and white.
I considered myself to be pretty good at being selfless and communicating bravely. Well, turns out it's still hard to do both. No matter how good you are at it. So I would tell people who asked me about marriage, "It's not as easy as I thought it would be," trying not to give them my glasses and the consequent bloody fingers while foregoing the overwhelming beauty of the petals and scent.
I've dropped that answer since then because I realized I was giving people the impression that Jenna and I were having a "hard time", which is the opposite of how I would describe our first year and a half.
And it's funny how our relationship works. Jenna thrives on foreign-traveling, adapting-to-a-new-surrounding adventure and spontaneity while I thrive on establishing roots and stability. At times, this poses a conflict. Like when Jenna wants to move to Honduras and I want to have a baby. And at the same time its the extreme value we both place on relationship and the way we approach life that makes Honduras and babies manageable. Its in the way her adventurous heart helps me see the world as a masterpiece to be experienced and my responsibility helps her see the freedom in a budget.
On the days when Jenna's desires conflict with mine, I have had thoughts about what it would have been like had I married someone more like me. But honestly, in that vein I've pictured myself being the "Jenna" in the relationship. Trying to bring the person that is "more like me" out of their box, and not because that box is bad but because there is just more to life than whats in that box. And it's in those moments with those thoughts that made me realize how much life Jenna brings me, even in (or especially in) our differences and how absolutely irreplaceable she is.
Marriage is difficult. Being married to Jenna though, is easy and amazing. It's the best thing since colored television. And I would never go back.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
January 4th, 2010 - Nothing Else Really Works
This weekend I've had to come against a lot of fear. Fear that I'm doing this whole relationship with God wrong. That I'm losing this crazy love affair between me and Him. That I'm not doing good enough in our relationship. Fear that I'm failing. And shame as a result. But apparently Holy Spirit doesn't do fear or shame.
Here's what He told me, "Aaron I haven't given you fear, nor do I use it to manipulate you into doing what I want. I only give love and there is no fear in it. When you know my love, you won't know fear. Look at the affects my love has on people. They are free, full of life, powerful, joyful, full of peace, loving, driven and motivated. Fear can't do any of those." [maybe 'motivate' but only to move in the wrong direction]
Then He added, "I do not try to manipulate you by using guilt and shame. Those never brought true repentance, healed a broken heart, lit a passionate fire or inspired childlikeness. There is no love in guilt or shame. I'm Love. You won't find a guilt-giving look on My face nor will you feel shame in My presence. Oh ya and don't feel obligated to capitalize My pronouns."
Here's what He told me, "Aaron I haven't given you fear, nor do I use it to manipulate you into doing what I want. I only give love and there is no fear in it. When you know my love, you won't know fear. Look at the affects my love has on people. They are free, full of life, powerful, joyful, full of peace, loving, driven and motivated. Fear can't do any of those." [maybe 'motivate' but only to move in the wrong direction]
Then He added, "I do not try to manipulate you by using guilt and shame. Those never brought true repentance, healed a broken heart, lit a passionate fire or inspired childlikeness. There is no love in guilt or shame. I'm Love. You won't find a guilt-giving look on My face nor will you feel shame in My presence. Oh ya and don't feel obligated to capitalize My pronouns."
April 24th, 2010 - Scenes
I finished reading A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller not too long ago. I got a lot out of it. He talked a lot about pain and finding purpose in it among other things.
I realized the other day that if intense difficulty was to come to America and all my circumstances went 'south', I would be pissed if I hadn't fully taken advantage of or fully lived in the time of blessing and prosperity. So much time has been spent feeling like I'm not "doing enough" (simply translated--not doing something that is difficult or out of my comfort zone) or that I shouldn't be fully engaging in the beauty of life around me because its not hard. That is so stupid! I am not and will not live there.
I hear the question, what am I afraid of? And I think the answer is: that everything I'm currently doing and everything i will do won't be good enough. That it won't be enough. Enough for God to say, "Yes! You nailed it!"
But in all reality, that fear is never going to get me where I need or want to go. Only love can. Only knowing He has my back, is proud of me and believes in me will get me "there". And interestingly enough, "there" is right smack dab in the center of the process of hearing "I love you, Aaron. You are my favorite. You are my son and I'm so happy with you," and then stepping forward.
The nature of moving forward is continually arriving somewhere you've never been. Every now and again that somewhere introduces pain or difficulty. But you keep moving. And the joy in all of these somewheres is in fully embracing people and fully receiving His love.
One of my favorite chapters in A Million Miles is the one about scenes. Our life is made up of memorable scenes. And Don goes on to talk about some of his most memorable scenes.
What are some of my most memorable scenes? More specifically, what are some of the most memorable scenes that I intentionally stepped into?
When Ben, Matt and I snuck out of our cabin the last night of sr. high camp the summer after eighth grade, and stayed up til the sun rose. Then at sunrise we saw a group of guys standing around our cabin, probably up to no good. So we threw rocks onto the roof of the cabin from our spot in the woods, to wake up the campers still sleeping. Then the guys turned and came after us and we ran like hell.
When Mike, Dan, Luke and I left Redding at 7pm and drove all through the night to Phoenix for Christmas break. We made up "Would You Rather"s the entire way. We got to Phoenix around 10am having taken only a two hour break from the the WYR's. They were pretty killer
I got in the car with Daniel Newton, Victor Mercado and Mario Garza at 10pm and we drove to Canada through the night. Then took part in Kevin Dedmon's firestorm, spoke at Todd Bentley's school and ate dinner at the space needle in Seattle. Did I mention I emptied my bank account for this?
In Ceramics class, senior year, I started talking to a girl about Jesus and the people around the table started joining in on the discussion and asking me questions. Before I knew it, there was about ten students around my table including the teacher listening while I talked about living a life for God. Nuts.
I decided to do treasure hunts on Friday nights in 2nd year. One night I led a group of young guys on one. Me and one of the guys (probably about 16 years old) went looking for somebody to bless in Safeway. We approached a lady and I let the kid talk. "We were just looking for people to bless with the love of God." I felt a little awkward by that approach but whatev. "Is there anything you need prayer for?" And the woman broke down crying saying she was in financial trouble and had some family issues. She had stopped here on her way through town. So we prayed for her, blessed her and left. So rad.
I realized the other day that if intense difficulty was to come to America and all my circumstances went 'south', I would be pissed if I hadn't fully taken advantage of or fully lived in the time of blessing and prosperity. So much time has been spent feeling like I'm not "doing enough" (simply translated--not doing something that is difficult or out of my comfort zone) or that I shouldn't be fully engaging in the beauty of life around me because its not hard. That is so stupid! I am not and will not live there.
I hear the question, what am I afraid of? And I think the answer is: that everything I'm currently doing and everything i will do won't be good enough. That it won't be enough. Enough for God to say, "Yes! You nailed it!"
But in all reality, that fear is never going to get me where I need or want to go. Only love can. Only knowing He has my back, is proud of me and believes in me will get me "there". And interestingly enough, "there" is right smack dab in the center of the process of hearing "I love you, Aaron. You are my favorite. You are my son and I'm so happy with you," and then stepping forward.
The nature of moving forward is continually arriving somewhere you've never been. Every now and again that somewhere introduces pain or difficulty. But you keep moving. And the joy in all of these somewheres is in fully embracing people and fully receiving His love.
One of my favorite chapters in A Million Miles is the one about scenes. Our life is made up of memorable scenes. And Don goes on to talk about some of his most memorable scenes.
What are some of my most memorable scenes? More specifically, what are some of the most memorable scenes that I intentionally stepped into?
When Ben, Matt and I snuck out of our cabin the last night of sr. high camp the summer after eighth grade, and stayed up til the sun rose. Then at sunrise we saw a group of guys standing around our cabin, probably up to no good. So we threw rocks onto the roof of the cabin from our spot in the woods, to wake up the campers still sleeping. Then the guys turned and came after us and we ran like hell.
When Mike, Dan, Luke and I left Redding at 7pm and drove all through the night to Phoenix for Christmas break. We made up "Would You Rather"s the entire way. We got to Phoenix around 10am having taken only a two hour break from the the WYR's. They were pretty killer
I got in the car with Daniel Newton, Victor Mercado and Mario Garza at 10pm and we drove to Canada through the night. Then took part in Kevin Dedmon's firestorm, spoke at Todd Bentley's school and ate dinner at the space needle in Seattle. Did I mention I emptied my bank account for this?
In Ceramics class, senior year, I started talking to a girl about Jesus and the people around the table started joining in on the discussion and asking me questions. Before I knew it, there was about ten students around my table including the teacher listening while I talked about living a life for God. Nuts.
I decided to do treasure hunts on Friday nights in 2nd year. One night I led a group of young guys on one. Me and one of the guys (probably about 16 years old) went looking for somebody to bless in Safeway. We approached a lady and I let the kid talk. "We were just looking for people to bless with the love of God." I felt a little awkward by that approach but whatev. "Is there anything you need prayer for?" And the woman broke down crying saying she was in financial trouble and had some family issues. She had stopped here on her way through town. So we prayed for her, blessed her and left. So rad.
to be continued....
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